There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.