There’s no “us” in nachos.
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here