ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Breaking news:
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.