God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
See..?
.
mood
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert