Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
This is a whole mood;
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
This came to me in a dream.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds