Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Beware of the dog..
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
yeah 😭
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.