Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?