Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
🍞🦆
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.