Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
You Might Also Like
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Fidel Castro was alive?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”