(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Encore…
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them