I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
thanks auntie mary
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
thinking about a very short hotdog
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.