*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.