CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Who.
Did.
This?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.