When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You Might Also Like
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
first you must answer his riddles