forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
You Might Also Like
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Never let them know your next move 😂
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”