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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.