mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’m not wrong
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!