Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Happy Halloween 🎃
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair