MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera