Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You Might Also Like
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is