[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.