Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
That earthquake could have been an email.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
yeah not falling for this one
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you