remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.