My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Basically.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.