My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”