Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
(2022)
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?