If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.