This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.