*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You Might Also Like
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Realize this:
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!