me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good