Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?