The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination