Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Buck naked
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Tell the colonel to bring it
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Brilliant!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting