I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You Might Also Like
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Bringing home a sharpie
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you