“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You Might Also Like
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.