Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.