I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am