I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Okey dokey.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My dad teaching me to drive
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u