Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Britain be like
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?