I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?