Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
technically true but not a great slogan
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
We’ve come full circle
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.