“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]