At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”