Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
me and the Superbowl rn
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school