I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations