The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.