Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”