Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
You Might Also Like
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
🙂🙃🥹
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
You had me at “define legal”.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air