How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself