me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
You Might Also Like
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations